It's all uphill.

People call being over 40…over the hill.  What fucking hill?  It has no top.  I have been taking SSRIs for a year and I put on 30 pounds and don’t excercise because I’m so goddamn tired all day.

Maybe I’d like to go back to being depressed and wanting to die because of my imbalanced mind…rather than look and feel like shit because of my drug cocktail.

I’m going in to see a doctor to find out what the fuck is going on.

 

I started this blog so I could journal.  When I write without the hope of an audience…like a diary I can’t be honest…so someday someone will stumble on this and read it…it’s you.  This way I can be forthright.  I want someone out there to know how I feel.  This fucking world has failed me.  I hate my mother for the asshole boyfriends she had while I was growing up and I hate my father for never being there.  Yet, I talk to them all the time…say I love you when I hang up and have them to the house.

This fucking “free” country and culture are a ruse.  A facade to distract us all from the emptiness we feel. 

I’ve been married for 8 years and I love my wife…but I’m so dissatisfied with relationships that I just want to be alone.

Back to work.

Don’t judge me.  I just need some fucking love…not fucking…just love.  Hold my hand, rub my back and tell me I mean something to you.

I am alone.